Solve for Happy - Mo Gawdat
Engineer Your Path to Joy
[NOTE: This is one of the few books I’ve read over the past few years which I really can’t recommend to anyone. While it starts off fairly good and makes many interesting points, towards the later parts Gawdat goes into metaphysics and uses completely nonsensical and plain wrong analogies from relativity theory, quantum mechanics and evolution, presenting them in a way many “gurus” (some of which he even cites) use to sell pseudo-profound bullshit to audiences without the necessary scientific background to detect the nonsense. The book is full of fallacies badly used to promote creationism and intelligent design. Given this ending, the author lost any credibility to me. I found it particularly shocking given that Gawdat was formerly the chief business officer of Google X. The notes below leave out most of the complete nonsense at the end.]
Happiness seems to be elusive and even people who seem to have it all are often deeply unhappy. Problem is we’re looking for happiness in the wrong places.
The default state for humans is happiness.
Happiness is the absence of unhappiness. Just need to look at kids. Default is happy. If there are no immediate worries, concerns or stress, we are happy.
Problem: Happiness buried under illusions, social pressures, and false beliefs. Need to reset to default.
Happiness is, above a bare minimum, independent of wealth and “success”.
Generation growing up during first half of 20th centre so used to hardship that it shaped their priorities towards “success”.
Only after we reach success, security, will we be happy is the thought.
But: Success is not an essential prerequisite for happiness.
Warwick study [p. 23]: Happy people are 12% more productive.
Success doesn’t lead to happiness, but happiness contributes to success.
Most successful people love what they do!
Make a happy list. Document every instance when I feel happy. Then priorities.
Creating a happy list itself is a happy experience (gratitude practice). Should repeat it regularly and update happy list.
[bq] "Feel happy when life behaves the way you want it to.”
Happiness equation: happiness >= perception of events - expectations of events
What matter is how we think about events, not the events themselves
[NFW: Stoicism!]
Pain, in most cases, is useful, but suffering is not and makes us linger on past pain and generates more unnecessary pain. We choose to let this happen. Suffering, opposed to pain, offers not benefits.
Problem is: Many of us accept the thoughts in our heads as absolute, uncontrollable truth. We act as victims. Happiness is a conscious choice.
5 states of being/experience:
Confusion: Below clarity of thought
Suffering: negative thoughts
Escape: suspended thoughts
Happiness: positive thoughts
Joy: above clutter of thought
Often miss distinction between happiness and fun and choose fun over happiness.
Often fun is used as a painkiller.
Joy is like flow. English lacks proper word. True peace, stillness, calm.
Despite the calm, joy can be combined with modern lifestyle.
Constantly live with a voice inside our head that’s talking either about the past or the future, usually in a worried way. This voice is not you!
Brain presents thoughts, what you do with them is up to you. Bad thoughts don’t necessarily make you a bad person.
As a child we start to learn language by calling out the names of things and narrating what happens around us. This narration later just moves to internal narrative. Evidence that larynx actually moves even during internal dialogue.
The more vital a function (e.g. heartbeat) the less direct control thoughts have over it.
Need to take control of our brain to not let its thoughts take our happiness.
Three types of thought:
Insightful (problem solving)
Experiential (direct tasks)
Narrative (chatter)
Occur in different parts of the brain.
Have controllable (e.g. muscles) and uncontrollable (e.g. heart) devices in our body. Brain is controllable if we practice how to.
Need to practice observing our thoughts, treating them like a Sitcom about nothing, that just happens in our brain.
Brain can be primed. Remove unhappy thoughts by priming with something happy. Also great advice for helping depressed friend. Talking about the problem usually won’t help, much better to remind them of something happy and completely unrelated.
Have a bunch of pictures ready on the phone that always trigger happiness.
Brain can only process a single thought at a time. Can make us elf this!
Focus on something external or internal, something physical. That will completely stop your thoughts.
[bq] “Enjoy the world without any brain commentary.”
[NFW: Psychedelics are great for this.]
Answering the question “Who am I?” (If not the voice in my head) is the most fundamental in life, since everything we do is for this “I”.
Finding out who you are not, shading the outer layers of our mask, is the first step.
Can use the tests of perception and permanence: If we can observe something, e.g. our thoughts, that’s not what we are. If something changes but we still are, that’s not what we are (e.g. we don’t cease to exist as our thoughts stop)
The real I is “just” an observer. An observer of the physical world, of thoughts, of emotion, …
The real I is unaffected by changes in the physical world, e.g. loss.
All the things we think we are, but aren’t (our body, our thoughts, our possessions,…) are really our ego.
We all play roles, ones defined by society or by ourselves, but there are certain ways we want to be perceived which make us act out different from the reals us.
[bq] "When our self-image is attacked or threatened in any way, our instinct engages to protect our ego."
Most difficult misconception of ego: You’re at the centre of the world.
[bq] “Everything is good and bad. Or perhaps it is neither.”
All depends on your perspective, so should start thinking less in terms of good/bad. Should attempt to see things from different angles.
We have an arrogant obsession with being right, an “illusion of knowledge”.
“Arrogance Cycle”: Discovery —> Debate —> Acceptance —> Arrogance
Even our senses are very limited and give us only very imperfect knowledge of world around us.
Words are also just abstractions with limited precision.
No matter what we “know”, there’s always a chance that we are wrong.
False knowledge is the underlying reason fir most unhappiness.
When things seem to be going bad, life might just be nudging you in a new direction, and that could actually turn out really good.
How many things we considered bad at the time they occurred actually turned out positive in the long term or triggered positive chains of events.
Our perception of time is extremely relative/subjective.
But many of us are constantly stressed by time.
All other animals simply respond to events/circumstances, we are the only ones who worry about “absolute” time.
Actually: events-based cultures more common than clock-based, just seems very foreign to us in the West.
Examples: Middle East and Latin America
[bq] “Being the master of the task instead of being the slave of the clock.”
Even more extreme: timeless “cultures”, living in the present moment.
Most negative thoughts or emotions either associated with past or future, not present. Happy emotions mostly anchored in presence.
Control
Trying to be in control is natural for safety and survival.
Problem is we can think/plan in very long term way. But improbable and unexpected events happen all the time.
Control is an illusion.
The only two things fully under our control: Our actions and attitude.
Committed Acceptance: Take the right action first, but then give up the constant need to control.
Choose your attitude wisely.
In case of the unexpected, the best thing to do is have a calm attitude and figure out a solution.
Fear
We all have many fears we don’t admit even to ourselves. They are the source of much of our unhappiness
Have to start by identifying and admitting our fears.
One common fear: Fear of loosing freedom, e.g. due to boss, corporate structure, or relationship.
[NFW: Fear of loneliness: I enjoy solitude quite a lot. Does that come with a hidden fear of loneliness though?]
Common overarching fear: Fear of facing our fears.
Fundamentally, fear is a mechanism to avoid pain. But we can learn to live with certain pain or even enjoy it, e.g. soreness after workout that we associate with and accomplishment.
Often there is no direct threat, just fear.
Easiest way of overcoming a fear is facing it.
List of questions to help:
What’s the worst that could happen?
So what?
How likely is it?
Can I do something to prevent it?
Can I recover?
What will happen if I do nothing?
What is the best-case scenario?
7 Blind Spots
Filters
Assumptions
Predictions
Memories
Labels
Emotions
Exaggerations
Our brain spends more time processing negative than positive thoughts, and it:s easier to recall negative memories.
Makes sense from evolutionary/survival point of view.
Need to consciously focus on the positive to have an impact on our brain.
Only a fraction of the constant stream of thought is actually true.
Everything we perceive is filtered, only observe what our brain deems necessary at any time.
Often fail to notice all the positive around us because brain:s filter focus on the negative.
Test to see just how much is actually filtered: Look up from reading and focus on all the sights, sounds, smells, etc. Gives a sense of how incomplete our perception is at any time.
[NFW: Huxley’s theory of brain as a filter that can be removed by LSD]
Make assumptions and fall pretty to false assumptions all the time. Use them to fill in gaps in knowledge.
Biggest gap: The future. So we make predictions.
Predicting something often makes the thing more likely since we change our behaviors accordingly.
Memories are inaccurate, just descriptions of what we think happened.
Use labels to make quicker decisions, but sacrifice accuracy.
They are results of repeated associations. Without context, they often cover up the truth.
Emotions were crucial to handle sudden threats like tiger attacks where logic would not get as far (at least not in time). Problem is now our emotion system is overwhelmed by “threats”.
We are not as rational as we think. Often our emotions are secretly steering us.
Be aware that the brain is always filtering and ask what gets filtered.
When your brain offers a statement, keep asking “Is it true?”, until you arrive at the actual factual truth.
We reject death but we should accept and expect it.
Ultimate Truth
When choosing between two equally likely things to believe, choose the one that makes you happier.
Being aware of the present moment increases chances of happiness.
Awareness is not binary, it’s a large continuum!
Best way to being more aware is to do nothing. First need to let the mind be empty before filling it with awareness.
Making awareness your top priority is key.
Be curious and open to new things, and prime your brain to facilitate that.
[bq] “The black belt of presence is to notice when you’re not aware.”
Remove the distractions. Deliberately keep phone in your pocket when you have an idle moment and enjoy the silence and “nothingness”.
Whatever you do, try to do it as good as you can, every time. This will lead to great awareness, among many other things.
[bq] “Live your life in the here and now, not inside your head.”
Change
[bq] “Seek the path of least resistance."
Stop constantly comparing yourself to others.
Focus on becoming a better person, not better than others.
Gratitude is a sure path to happiness.
Love
Different types of love.
Conditional love asks “I love because…” This leads to suffering as thought evolves.
Unconditional love is “felt but not understood”.
Conditional love built on expectations, which often end up unfulfilled.
Unconditional love is timeless and offers lasting joy.
[bq] “ ‘No expectation’ never turns onto a missed expectation.”
[bq] “The more love you give, the more you get back.”
One of the most important types of love is self-love.
Death
Western culture tends to avoid discussing death.
Other people are more open, even “celebrating” death (e.g. Mexico)
Ideally, sooner or later, we become ready to die and accept it as a necessity.
In the past death happened sudden or over fairly short period of time. Modern medicine has dramatically prolonged the process of dying.
An extra day is only a gift if that day is worth living.
Need to accept death as a normal part of life to find true happiness.
Accepting death can teach us how to live.