The Courage to Be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
How to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness
The First Night: Deny Trauma
Alfred Adler, along with Jung and Freud, although far less known, was the "third giant" of psychiatry.
Adlerian psychology is well aligned with Greek philosophy, and can be seen as philosophy itself.
Teleology is the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause.
Aetiology is the study of the causation.
Traumas are usually a study of causation, looking for reasons in the past.
Adlerian psychology does not recognize trauma.
[q] "We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining." - Alfred Adler
In this view fear and anxiety can often be "created" to serve a hidden goal, like not wanting to go out. And this might serve the underlying goal of making people worry about you.
[bq] "In order to fulfill the goal of shouting, you created the emotion of anger."
[bq] "The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment."
We all have the ability and responsibility to choose our own lifestyles.
The Second Night: All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
We often create symptoms out of fear or as protection. We believe that if only X went away we finally could do Y and everything would be better. The symptom X allows us to live in a dream world.
We often think "once Z happens everything will be different," but then it does (e.g. we get a new job) but we're ultimately still the same person and not much has changed.
First we need encouragement to accept ourselves as we are.
Feelings of inferiority are all subjective interpretations rather than objective truths.
If used right, the feeling of inferiority and pursuit of superiority can be great stimulants and drivers. It's only problematic if it is being used as an excuse to not even try.
An inferiority complex can also manifest as projecting superiority to mask a fear of inadequacy.
[q] "The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority." - Alfred Adler
When treating interpersonal relationships as conflicts, feelings of inferiority naturally arise.
Power struggles constantly appear in interpersonal relationships. When winning or losing become focus points for you, you lose the ability to make the right choices.
Adlerian psychology has two objective for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. These are supported by the consciousness that "I have the ability" and the consciousness that "people are my comrades."
[bq] "Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart."
The "life-lie": We come up with all sorts of excuses and pretexts in order to avoid our "life tasks".
The Third Night: Discard Other People's Tasks
[bq] "Adlerian psychology denies the need to seek recognition from others."
Whoever receives the ultimate result brought on by a choice that is made, that's whose task it is to make that choice and carry it out. We can offer others assistance in their tasks, but we should never force it upon them or make the decisions for them.
What judgment other people pass onto you and your choices is their task and shouldn't concern you.
Freedom requires to be disliked by other people. If we only follow a path that satisfies others we are severely unfree.
Being disliked shouldn't be to§he goal, but we also shouldn't be afraid of it.
The Forth Night: Where the Centre of the World Is
[bq] "It is necessary to make the switch from 'attachment to self' to 'concern for others'."
Commitment to community means focusing on thinking what you can do for others rather than what they can or should give you. This effort leads to a sense of belonging.
Both praise or punishment actually establish hierarchical relationships and manipulation, and should be avoided.
[bq] "Being praised is what leads people to form the belief that they have no ability."
We should aim to build horizontal relationships and use encouragement rather than praise.
The Fifth Night: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now
Three things are needed to achieve "community feeling":
Self-acceptance
Confidence in others
Contribution to others
[bq] "We do not lack ability. We just lack courage. It all comes down to courage."
[bq] "Happiness is the feeling of contribution."
When standing on the theater stage one can only see the whole room if the spotlight is off and the house lights are on. Similarly, if we put a spotlight in life on the present moment, the past and the future go "dark" and don't matter. It's only because we live life in a dim light that we care and worry so much about past and future.
[bq] "If I change, the world will change. No one else will change the world for me."