Stop Apologizing for Your Late Replies
Replying to messages at a more moderate pace sets the right expectations
In a remote world where more and more of our communication is shifting to email and messaging apps, it’s easy to quickly amass a large backlog of messages that are waiting for your reply. Between email, Facebook, WhatsApp, LinkedIn, Instagram, and many more, there is an almost constant influx of communication that expects your reciprocation.
And along with the number of messages, feelings of guilt and dread start piling up as well. Worse, the longer you wait, the harder it seems it is to finally sit down and write that response.
When you eventually get around to replying, whether it’s after a day or several months (my current record is almost a year), chances are you’ll open your message with something like “Apologies for the delayed response,” or “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner,” or “I’m sorry, I totally overlooked your message till now.”
Personally, I am notoriously bad at responding to messages “in time” (whatever that means). So for a long time, an apology has been pretty much my standard message opener. I’d guess that over the first year of the pandemic, well over half of my emails started with an opening like the ones mentioned above.
I did a little experiment just now and encourage you to try the same: Go to your sent emails and search for the word sorry. By far the vast majority of what came up for me was about my speed of response.
But I’ve recently started to accept and appreciate the fact that not every message requires a fast reply. If we’re honest, most don’t.
For the vast majority of messages, there is absolutely nothing wrong with replying after several days. Most things can wait that long.
So I recently stopped making an apology my default, reserving one only for cases where I really should have been more speedy.
As a result, I feel much more relaxed about my inbox(es) and even experience less dread about replying to “overdue” messages.
So far, no one seems to have been offended by it. Not to mention that in most cases the guilt is probably entirely self-created, and the person we are writing to likely doesn’t even consider our response slow.
My conviction in this shift was strengthened by a great recent article by Deloitte’s chief well-being officer, Jen Fisher, titled “Sorry, Not Sorry: Why We Need To Stop Apologizing.” In it, Jen talks about apologizing in general, but I immediately thought of my own messaging behavior when she points out that
“For many of us, apologizing has become a reflex.”
We are all busy and stressed, especially since the start of the pandemic. Apologizing (whether it’s sincere or not) is essentially an admission of guilt, a confirmation that we did something bad or wrong. But there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself first.
As Jen writes,
“One thing we should never apologize for is taking time for ourselves when we need it. Sometimes this means saying no to something else. When we stand up for ourselves in this way, we normalize the idea that we should never be so busy that we have no time for ourselves.”
Personally, I actually appreciate people who take some time to reply to me.
When I reply to someone after a day or so and get a response within five minutes, it creates quite a bit of stress, like I’m stuck in an endless loop.
And that’s just an isolated case. You might know this feeling of relief when you are finally going through a long-overdue batch of emails and messages, just to wake up the next morning to find replies to half of them (especially if your contacts are spread all over the globe), and you are once again starting a new cycle of dread.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. So we might be doing each other a big favor with our “slow replies.”
It’s time to redefine what replying “in time” means.
Replying at a more moderate pace sets the right expectations.
We’re expected to be reachable all the time, without ever questioning whether we really should be (or want to be). By apologizing for a slow response, we just reinforce that behavior.
When someone sends you a message, they are essentially adding a task to your to-do list. You should at least be able to decide by yourself when you want to get to this task you didn’t choose for yourself.
Maybe this is a slightly silly and extreme analogy, but with some people it can almost feel like they come over to your house, invite themselves in at random hours, and expect you to drop everything you’d been doing to have a rambling chat with them. And you don’t stop them. Instead, you apologize because it takes you some time to serve them a hot beverage.
Of course, there’s also the option to ignore or delete messages from your pile completely. This might sound harsh, but not everyone who wants a slice of your time deserves it.
Even if they do, your time, energy, and attention are finite. Spending more time on a few messages that are really important and meaningful to you (and the recipient) has a much greater positive impact than spreading yourself thin and trying to please everyone.
Prioritize unapologetically, and think quality over quantity.
Skipping the apology is a great filter. In most cases, the only people to take issue with the lack of apology are those who expect you to reply on their schedule without any regard for your time or other commitments. Those who really care about you and appreciate your time likely won’t mind.
I’m certainly not saying you should never apologize for a slow reply. There are times that warrant a speedy response — and what “speedy” means also varies dramatically.
But by making an apology your default, you decrease the sincerity and meaning of the times where an apology is actually appropriate.
“‘I’m sorry’ is too important a phrase to waste.”
— Jen Fisher
If you feel like an acknowledgment of your delay is in order, you can also try another one of Jen Fisher’s tips and open with gratitude rather than an apology. For example, “I appreciate your patience with my response.” Just don’t overuse this one either.
Apologizing less is not easy.
It’s so ingrained in us that it takes time to unlearn. I’m still working on it myself, but it’s already helping me approach my inboxes with a lot less dread.
I hope I can inspire you to give it a go as well.
And now excuse me, I need to get back to my inbox and reply to some emails that have literally been waiting for months. I may or may not apologize for the delay, but I will certainly share this article with them as a justification (or is it just an indirect apology?).